BLAGUES # 3
one guy was walking through a restaurant
he reads on the board, hotdogs: 0,95 cents, burgers: 2$, hjandjob: 15$
so he goes to the cash, and asks the casher (female), are you the one giving the handjob. shes like.. yeh
so hes like.. well you better wash your fuckin hands,
cuz i want a burger!
have a story about your attempt at being a car salesman and how successful you were... then say, do you know the best way to sell a car to a midget???When they say no - bend over and just say "would you like to buy a car?!"
'I got a phone call from an ex-girlfriend the other day and she said to me that she had been thinking about me since we broke up and couldn't get me out of her head. She said she really wanted to give us another shot and that we could really make a go of it this time.
I said that I wasn't sure and that she may not like me any more.
When she asked why, I replied that I had put on a bit of weight and I didn't have as much hair as I used to.
She said that I shouldn't worry about that as she had put on a bit of weight herself.
So I told her to get fucked
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
...Same time next month?
What did the fat chick say to the other fat chick? Who cares they're fat.
My friend and I were at a club and he and this girl really hit it
off. Her friend is cute but she's really annoying when she talks,
she's one of those you wish would just stand there and look pretty.
But, my friend is really into the other girl so I just act polite
and go along with it.
After the club we decide to go and grab something to eat. The girls
get all giggly and decide to run off to the restroom and the
annoying one puts her wallet on the table and says, "There's a hint
of what's for dessert in here"
I open the wallet and there are 3 flavored condoms in there and a
$20 bill. I'm like "Cool, $20 for dessert!" And, I stuff the $20 in
my pocket.
* by this time the guys are lauging their asses off or if they are
true AFCs they will try to act all noble and shit and say something
lame. It's funny to watch the girls roll their eyes at the AFC when
he says something noble *
Then, I add..."My friend and the other chic really hit it off, so I
had to use the condoms anyway..."
This is to be told as a serious story and recommended to be 3+sets.
Change the details so the story will be told in first person.
"You won't believe what happened to me this weekend!!
I was at home sitting on my porch, and my neighbor was out mowing his lawn.
He's kinda weird, he keeps the gas for the lawn mower in one of those tin coffee cans. I'm not really sure why. Anyways, he's got this dog, Cassie's her name. Its an old golden retriever, like 15 yrs old or something. This dog is basiclly deaf and blind, real old, on its last leg. It just mops around mostly sitting around all day not really doing much moving cause its old. So he's out mowing his lawn with the dog out front laying in the yard, and his phone rings. He goes inside to answer it, and I see Cassie go over to the tin can and starts drinking the gasoline! So I go running over to stop her, but by the time I got there, she had already drank like half the can! so i pull her back over to where she was laying, and tell her "lay down cassie". I walk back over to my porch and all of a sudden, she just springs up on all fours and takes off running! Shes running all around the lawn, up and down the street. She jumped over my neighbors '79 buick he had parked in the driveway!! Runs up the driveway and slams head first into the side of the house at full speed and just falls to the ground."
***Stop the story right there. As if thats all you we're planning on telling. If you have told the story with enough emotion to a group of people that have some heart and care for animals, someone will always asks...
"Was she dead?"
.............
............
............
"No, she was just out of gas."
The key is to tell it to a big enough group of people that someone will care enough to ask the question. Otherwise the whole joke is blown. Add lots of details and get really into the story. If you tell it right, you will get lots of laughs.
Ask the group did they hear about the women on the news. When they reply no or say what about her. Tell them There was a women who was found at a motel room dead. She was laying in the bathtub and the killer had filled it with milk. wait a few seconds........ then say there was a bananna rammed up her ass they think its a cereal killer LMAO..........HAve fun.....KB
Three tomatoes are walking down the street -- a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and squishes him... and says, 'Ketchup.'
the good thing about this joke is its from pulp fiction so if you like the movie and she picks up on it reward her for having similar taste in movies and if she doesnt laugh and/or doesnt pick up on the reference than tease her for not watching classics
If talking about gay marriage:
"I believe all marriage, is wrong."
In a kindergarten class the they just started on basic math
so the teacher asks "If you have 3 birds on a wire and shoot 2 how many are left?"
a kid raises his hand and says "None , because they would all fly away from the gunshot."
"sorry billy the answer i was looking for was 1 but i like the way you are thinking."
so billy asks her " well if there are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles
one is biting, one is licking, and one is sucking which one is married?"
"uhmm... i dont know billy the one sucking on the popsicle?"
"nope the one with the wedding ring... but i like the way you are thinking."
Guy goes to the doctor and the doctor says...
Doctor : Sir, I regret to tell you that you have both cancer and amnesia
Guy : Wow! Well thank god I don't have cancer
A blonde walks into a library and says, "I'm here to see the doctor." The librarian looks up and says, "Ma'am, this is a library." The blonde whispers very softly, "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm here to see the doctor."
Autopsy class:
A professor tells his autopsy class at the beginning of semester that in order to complete this subject you need two things: the first is courage. "everyone, stick your finger into the cadaver's anus and then lick your finger"..then the professor stuck his finger into his cadaver and licked his finger. After a some shrieks, everyone eventually complies because they want to complete the subject.
The second thing you need is good observation. How many of you realised i stuck my second finger in but i licked my middle finger???
The miracle of toilet paper
A woman comes out of the shower one day and looking at herself in the mirror, complains to her husband about the fact that her breasts were too small. Instead of saying the usual 'that's not true', he suggested to her:
"If you want your breast to get bigger take a piece of toilet paper and rub it in between your breasts"
She was ready to try anything so she takes a piece of toilet paper and starts rubbing it in between her boobs.
"How long is it going to take?"
"They are going to get bigger as the years pass by. Do it a little everyday."
Then she stopped:
"Do you really think it's going to work?"
So he answered:
"Well it worked with your ass anyway!!!"
This man still lives but with a little bit of physiotherapy he might be able to walk again one day...
he reads on the board, hotdogs: 0,95 cents, burgers: 2$, hjandjob: 15$
so he goes to the cash, and asks the casher (female), are you the one giving the handjob. shes like.. yeh
so hes like.. well you better wash your fuckin hands,
cuz i want a burger!
have a story about your attempt at being a car salesman and how successful you were... then say, do you know the best way to sell a car to a midget???When they say no - bend over and just say "would you like to buy a car?!"
'I got a phone call from an ex-girlfriend the other day and she said to me that she had been thinking about me since we broke up and couldn't get me out of her head. She said she really wanted to give us another shot and that we could really make a go of it this time.
I said that I wasn't sure and that she may not like me any more.
When she asked why, I replied that I had put on a bit of weight and I didn't have as much hair as I used to.
She said that I shouldn't worry about that as she had put on a bit of weight herself.
So I told her to get fucked
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
...Same time next month?
What did the fat chick say to the other fat chick? Who cares they're fat.
My friend and I were at a club and he and this girl really hit it
off. Her friend is cute but she's really annoying when she talks,
she's one of those you wish would just stand there and look pretty.
But, my friend is really into the other girl so I just act polite
and go along with it.
After the club we decide to go and grab something to eat. The girls
get all giggly and decide to run off to the restroom and the
annoying one puts her wallet on the table and says, "There's a hint
of what's for dessert in here"
I open the wallet and there are 3 flavored condoms in there and a
$20 bill. I'm like "Cool, $20 for dessert!" And, I stuff the $20 in
my pocket.
* by this time the guys are lauging their asses off or if they are
true AFCs they will try to act all noble and shit and say something
lame. It's funny to watch the girls roll their eyes at the AFC when
he says something noble *
Then, I add..."My friend and the other chic really hit it off, so I
had to use the condoms anyway..."
This is to be told as a serious story and recommended to be 3+sets.
Change the details so the story will be told in first person.
"You won't believe what happened to me this weekend!!
I was at home sitting on my porch, and my neighbor was out mowing his lawn.
He's kinda weird, he keeps the gas for the lawn mower in one of those tin coffee cans. I'm not really sure why. Anyways, he's got this dog, Cassie's her name. Its an old golden retriever, like 15 yrs old or something. This dog is basiclly deaf and blind, real old, on its last leg. It just mops around mostly sitting around all day not really doing much moving cause its old. So he's out mowing his lawn with the dog out front laying in the yard, and his phone rings. He goes inside to answer it, and I see Cassie go over to the tin can and starts drinking the gasoline! So I go running over to stop her, but by the time I got there, she had already drank like half the can! so i pull her back over to where she was laying, and tell her "lay down cassie". I walk back over to my porch and all of a sudden, she just springs up on all fours and takes off running! Shes running all around the lawn, up and down the street. She jumped over my neighbors '79 buick he had parked in the driveway!! Runs up the driveway and slams head first into the side of the house at full speed and just falls to the ground."
***Stop the story right there. As if thats all you we're planning on telling. If you have told the story with enough emotion to a group of people that have some heart and care for animals, someone will always asks...
"Was she dead?"
.............
............
............
"No, she was just out of gas."
The key is to tell it to a big enough group of people that someone will care enough to ask the question. Otherwise the whole joke is blown. Add lots of details and get really into the story. If you tell it right, you will get lots of laughs.
Ask the group did they hear about the women on the news. When they reply no or say what about her. Tell them There was a women who was found at a motel room dead. She was laying in the bathtub and the killer had filled it with milk. wait a few seconds........ then say there was a bananna rammed up her ass they think its a cereal killer LMAO..........HAve fun.....KB
Three tomatoes are walking down the street -- a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and squishes him... and says, 'Ketchup.'
the good thing about this joke is its from pulp fiction so if you like the movie and she picks up on it reward her for having similar taste in movies and if she doesnt laugh and/or doesnt pick up on the reference than tease her for not watching classics
If talking about gay marriage:
"I believe all marriage, is wrong."
In a kindergarten class the they just started on basic math
so the teacher asks "If you have 3 birds on a wire and shoot 2 how many are left?"
a kid raises his hand and says "None , because they would all fly away from the gunshot."
"sorry billy the answer i was looking for was 1 but i like the way you are thinking."
so billy asks her " well if there are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles
one is biting, one is licking, and one is sucking which one is married?"
"uhmm... i dont know billy the one sucking on the popsicle?"
"nope the one with the wedding ring... but i like the way you are thinking."
Guy goes to the doctor and the doctor says...
Doctor : Sir, I regret to tell you that you have both cancer and amnesia
Guy : Wow! Well thank god I don't have cancer
A blonde walks into a library and says, "I'm here to see the doctor." The librarian looks up and says, "Ma'am, this is a library." The blonde whispers very softly, "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm here to see the doctor."
Autopsy class:
A professor tells his autopsy class at the beginning of semester that in order to complete this subject you need two things: the first is courage. "everyone, stick your finger into the cadaver's anus and then lick your finger"..then the professor stuck his finger into his cadaver and licked his finger. After a some shrieks, everyone eventually complies because they want to complete the subject.
The second thing you need is good observation. How many of you realised i stuck my second finger in but i licked my middle finger???
The miracle of toilet paper
A woman comes out of the shower one day and looking at herself in the mirror, complains to her husband about the fact that her breasts were too small. Instead of saying the usual 'that's not true', he suggested to her:
"If you want your breast to get bigger take a piece of toilet paper and rub it in between your breasts"
She was ready to try anything so she takes a piece of toilet paper and starts rubbing it in between her boobs.
"How long is it going to take?"
"They are going to get bigger as the years pass by. Do it a little everyday."
Then she stopped:
"Do you really think it's going to work?"
So he answered:
"Well it worked with your ass anyway!!!"
This man still lives but with a little bit of physiotherapy he might be able to walk again one day...